Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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