just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
