I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
