I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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