She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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