she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
