I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
