If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
