tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
