College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
soo... how was my night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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