I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dick very happy bro
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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