Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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