I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
