Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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