If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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