I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
