Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
