So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
