We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize