Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
