Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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