My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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