Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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