dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
