jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
