I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
