the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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