like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
