i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
