I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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