yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The cops high fived after they tackled you
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
