So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he just fucked me for my cheese.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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