I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
