glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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