my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
