i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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