I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
