I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Enjoy the penises
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
