I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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