I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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