Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Randomize
