Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
