I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
