Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize