i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize