i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
