drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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