Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
