never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
you are never too drunk for berry picking
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
