Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
