I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
