how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
