you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
