you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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