im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize