Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
